I don't want to be kind!

Good morning ladies!

I have not blogged in a long time. I have been spilling my words onto this platform called Facebook in the form of rants and rages and meaningless post shares and likes. Therefore, in effort to stretch and strengthen my area of self-control I am slowing down and trying to make a wiser approach to sharing my heart.

Recently I have had the privilege to mentor some amazing women. I cannot thank God enough for these opportunities that I consider blessings to my heart. But it seems that when visiting with these women, one thing that they have in common is not knowing how to handle those times when you really feel like your husband is being unfair, rude, hateful or he is just downright selfish. I even had one lady ask me "Why don't you stand up for yourself?". Another question I often get is, "How do you just walk away and say or do nothing?" Well the answers to those questions are that I don't stand up for myself because I have someone else do it for me. And I don't just walk away without saying or doing ANYTHING at all, I do something. But what I do and say are not the typical things that women do, or are tempted to do.

Earlier in my marriage me and my husband fought a lot. I do not believe that there was a day that went by that we did not have some type of conflict. It was not because I did not love him, or I did not want to remain married to him at all. I knew that God had put him in my life as a blessing and that we had a purpose. We knew from the moment we said "I DO" that we were to use the experiences that we had as individuals and in our previous marriages to mentor others. I do not think that either of us had an inkling of a notion that we were going to be using our marriage to each other as the main source of encouragement or example of failures. God knew this though. This is why satan worked so dang hard to try to get us to give up and walk away.

About a year and a half into our marriage we were having an "intense moment of fellowship" (That is what we call an all out blow out in our home). Billy got in his truck and drove off and I paced the living room floor in efforts to control myself from going outside and screaming at him as his truck disappeared. I was also very good at calling his phone and screaming at him until he would hang up and eventually would have to turn his phone off completely. Not this time though. God reminded me of a verse that was shared with me the year before. "Our battles are not against the flesh but against the spirit". ~For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ~Ephesians 6:12 I thought to myself, "Yeah God, but I am so mad at him." I cannot remember now what that thing was that made me so mad. But I can remember that verse. I immediately got on my knees in my living room and began saying that verse over and over. I could not pray for Billy at the time, because I was so mad and honestly, I did not want to. But as I repeated those words I began to feel a calmness come over me. I was then able to see where satan was using those closest to me to get me to act very unlike Christ. He also had managed to use each of us against the other to create a separation and isolation in our marriage. It might have only been for a few hours, but that was not his intentions. I then began to pray for my marriage. I prayed for God to calm me and allow me to love my husband just as Christ loved me, even when I did not deserve it. I prayed for forgiveness for my own actions and for God to soften my heart so that I could forgive my husband. I prayed for God to intervene and give us both the words to say or not to say, so that we did not make the situation worse. I then reminded myself that when these conflicts arise, "my battle is not with Billy, it is with satan and all he is trying to do or undo in our marriage and family."

So, How can I be so kind to my husband when he is not being kind to me? How do I speak kind words and do good deeds when I simply and honestly do NOT want to be kind? Why don't I just stand up for myself? I don't stand up for myself because I will mess that up BIG TIME!. In my selfish state of anger or hurt or frustration I will speak in ways and say words that I do not mean and they will more than likely be very hurtful and definitely unkind. So, I allow God to stand up for me. He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for me, Billy is no match against that. Nor is anyone else. Not even satan. And how do I just walk away without doing anything? I don't, I pray. I pray for me and I pray for Billy in the situation. I step out of the way and allow God to move. Once I realized that I am not God, He can do so much more than I can and He will do it right.

How does this work in my marriage? Very well indeed! As great a man as my husband is, he is still human. He makes mistakes, bad choices, he gets angry, he opens his mouth when he shouldn't and he doesn't speak when he should. He forgets to take out the garbage and he hurts my feelings on occasion. I have learned that me pointing out these things to him demeans who he is as a person. It tears him down and takes away from the man that God has created and designed him to be. That is a horrible thing to do. Instead, I go to God in prayer and I let God speak to him on my behalf. I do not pray for God to make Billy see "My way", that would be disastrous. I pray for God to help Billy to be the man that He desires him to be. I pray for God to strengthen him in areas where he needs it. I pray for God to speak to Billy's heart and for Billy to be attentive to the words that are spoken to him. I also pray for God to mold me into the woman that Billy needs by his side. I pray that God will help me to only speak words that will make my husband a better man. I pray for God to help me to quickly notice the presence of satan in our situations and to be even quicker to call upon Him to guide me through those instances. I pray for God to help Billy to forgive me when I hurt his feelings, when I neglect to meet his needs and when I do not act like the woman that God has designed and desired me to be. After all, I am also human. I make mistakes, bad choices, I get angry, I open my mouth when I shouldn't and I do not speak when I should, I forget to do the laundry and sometimes I busy myself in other areas and forget that I have responsibilities to my husband and sons. When I am this person, I want my husband to remember that our battles are not with the flesh, they are with the spirit. I want him to be kind to me.......even when he does not want to.